Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
