Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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