saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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