Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.