Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.