She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
