I CAN MOONWALK!
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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