She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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