At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
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Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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