I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
