I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Dignity is for republicans.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
