my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
