I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
