It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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