the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
