I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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