My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
