Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
