ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
