Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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