why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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