I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
