YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I cannot find my penis.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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