Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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