it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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