also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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