I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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