and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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