Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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