I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
