I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
