she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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