I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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