gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Randomize
