It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
