I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
