well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
