Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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