Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
