i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
