All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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