I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
