She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
There are leaves in my underwear?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
