I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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