Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
This is not my ceiling
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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