You made me cry and you don't even care
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
