My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
