the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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