I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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