he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
