i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
