We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
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I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
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You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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