fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
