I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
