Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
this is an emotional support booty call
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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