I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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