i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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