I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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