maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
