I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
even my farts smell like vagina
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
