I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
