My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
