Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?