My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
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We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring