Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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