And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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