So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
