i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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